Getting to know someone is very hard and time consuming. In
the beginning, everyone is tempted to judge a person by their own past experiences…this
goes for both men and women. We all have past experiences we use to predict
events in our daily lives. We know if we leave toast in the toaster too long it
will burn and if we don’t take a jacket with us we may be cold later at night.
We can prepare for these things by timing the toast right and being prepared
for the weather but you can’t use your past experiences to determine how
someone else should behave or react to situations.
I have met some pretty crummy guys but I have met many more
who were caring and ended up being great friends. The thing I have learned from them is that
they too have had terrible experiences with women. Some have been cheated on
multiple times by their ex-wives, have been abused physically and emotionally,
have been taken for granted, and have been used to the point of even raising a
child that was not theirs. Sometimes men
will treat you badly because their ex was horrible to them or because they don’t
know how to properly treat a woman. Maybe they didn’t have a father at home, their
mother didn’t demand respect from their father or her boyfriends, or their
father didn’t treat their mother properly.
Let me tell you a story. I dated a guy a little over ten
years ago. He was very attractive and we got along pretty well. We were both in
our twenties and a little hot headed but, for the most part we were compatible.
We both had children when we were young and we grew up in the same area. Our
families even knew one another. We spent a lot of time together but as time
went on I noticed it was difficult to reach him and I was suspicious that he
was seeing someone else. I soon learned he was seeing other people although he
assured me he was not. Of course, I was furious. I cried, vowed to be single,
and I even decided that I wouldn’t date any more black men! But, my reaction
was totally wrong. Why? Because what he was doing wasn’t about me. It wasn’t
because I was lacking something, it wasn’t because he was black, and it wasn’t
because he wanted to hurt and/or destroy me. He was doing it because it was
what he knew. While we were dating his
father died. His parents were in their 60’s and had been married for nearly 40
years. His father had several children by
several different women outside of the marriage, I believe there were three.
They ALL were welcomed to his home and they all called his wife “mom”. His mother never left his father and she
endured the hurt quietly. After his father passing and his mother grieving for
a while, she began to voice how unhappy she was and how poorly his father
treated her. He had NEVER heard his mother speak ill of his father before. To
him, this was what I woman should be able to endure because his mother could
and did.
I know another woman whose husband had children outside of
her marriage as well. Even as an elderly woman she told her children and even
her grandchildren that they should always have someone else on the side. As
their parent her children believed this until they were old enough to realize
she was just masking her hurt. They had
ruined some relationships early on because they believe this was the correct
way to behave.
My point is (yes, there is actually a point) everyone has a
past that influences how they react to their present situations. If you always
make things about you, how you’ve failed, how you aren’t enough, and feel
self-pity…you will never experience happiness. Being enough by yourself,
remaining calm, discussing family with your date will give you some insight and
help you understand some of their behavior. By no means am I saying that you should
tolerate lying or cheating. However, I am saying dragging their family issues
with you on to your next prospect isn’t productive. To say all men cheat, all men or no good etc.
because of someone else’s upbringing is counterproductive. Let them keep those
issues within their families and move on to creating more positive experiences
and relationships.
