The Insecure Black Woman
Being single for the past several years, by choice I might
add, I have had to withstand the backlash of many relationships gone wrong. I
know every break up story has two sides, but I am going to speak from the one I
see. Many men have experiences with women who try to pressure them into
marriage and children. There are women who actually talk about these things
early in a relationship, before they know if they are compatible. Some meet
women who don’t respect them and cheat on them because they are fearful of the
possibility of being hurt. A lot of men talk about the strong black woman they
meet who is mean and tries to dominate the relationship, making him feel less
than a man.
I really don’t get it, or maybe I do.
Our society is one that is completely selfish, where many
feel entitled just because they were born. I want to know what makes one feel
as though they are entitled to another person’s life, their time, and the
things they have worked hard for just because they want it. If you are not
enhancing a person’s quality of life, you have no business being part of it. If
you are causing drama, arguing, and constantly making demands, those are not
attractive qualities and you should seek to make yourself a better person
before engaging in a relationship with another. You by yourself should be
enough. Being alone does not equal being lonely.
I know Steve Harvey wrote a book for women on how to deal
with men. I have seen some of its points and I am not in total agreement with
all of them. My philosophy on life is
more of an Eastern/Buddhist philosophy where I try to consider the needs and
wants of others before my own. I find that I have more peace of mind this way. I
try to practice selflessness: the art of putting the feelings of others before
yours. In addition to selflessness, there is unconditional love. Unconditional
love is when you love others regardless of their situation, what they have
done, or what they may have done to you. The only person you can control in
this life is you. There are always going to be situations that arise which are
challenging, that is life and that is uncontrollable. People are people, and
they will do things that may cause you hurt and pain because of their own life
experiences. You have to accept them for who they are and decide if they have a
place in your life or not--you cannot change someone who does not want to
change. If you consider how you are
making another person feel and also how that other person may be feeling before
you act or react, you will find that life becomes easier for you. When someone
snaps at you, instead of snapping back and asking what you did to deserve that
behavior and using expletives, simply ask “What’s wrong?” Many times other
people’s behavior is not about you, so it is wrong to take it personal and
allow it to upset you.
Before you enter into any long-term relationship, you have
to be happy and love yourself. You have to know what you do and don’t want, be
happy with the direction in which your life is headed, and be able to be happy
even when your significant other isn’t around. If that means having friends and
family to do things with, having hobbies that interest you, or performing some
sort of community services then do that. Wanting a man to be around all the
time is way too much pressure. Basically, get a life.
Let’s go back to my beginning points. The marriage and
children talk. Men are providers. Talking to a man about providing for you and
a child, which is what you do when you talk about marriage and children, will
be scary to any man within the first few dates. It’s ok to ask a man if he sees
being married or having children in his future if that’s what you want but nothing
more. As women, we have a tendency to fantasize about what our life will look like
when we meet a man. Women have to keep in mind that this is indeed just a
fantasy! You love the idea of him but not him, because you don’t know him yet. He
is most likely just trying to have a good time and get to know you. Honestly, I
think a lot of black men are waiting to see if you are going to act crazy or
not. Try to relax and enjoy the
moment. Enjoy your dinner dates and your
talks. It may work out and it may not. If not, chances are you will learn
something about yourself, your business, or life itself. Chalk it up to
experience.
If a man doesn’t want you, let him go. There are plenty of
men out there and one who will love you in return. Don’t spend too much time
sulking. There is no need to change who you are, especially if you are happy
with yourself, to keep a man. Let him find his match and wish him well. Love
him so much that you want him to be happy even if it isn’t with you. A
girlfriend of mine actually told me how to get over a broken heart quickly.
What she advised was that I write down all the things that made the
relationship not a good one and focus on those.
We have a tendency to focus on all the good when people are gone. You
will remember the good in time but for the sake of sparing others from your moping
I recommend the list, it works! Don’t
call him, text him, stalk him, or throw a tantrum. It may hurt but as the old adage
goes: time heals all wounds.
Let a man be a man. If you make more money than he does, or
you own a home and he doesn’t…so what! Those things are material. Don’t remind
him of it every time you have an argument. If he is a productive citizen, loves
his job, and can take care of basic needs that’s all that should matter. In
many areas, especially in the city, it will take both people working to run a
household. If you live together, support him however you can. When he is around
you he should feel like a king and any worries he has should be left outside. A
man that you disrespect and belittle won’t be yours for long. There are plenty
of women out there who will make him feel like a man and your relationship will
be short-lived.
Don’t cheat; it does nothing for your character. If you’re
afraid of commitment just admit it but don’t waste other people’s time and
emotions. Giving your all shows people
who you really are. If you can’t do that, you aren’t ready for a commitment. If
you are cheating because you don’t trust him, and you don’t trust any men…get a
therapist. You aren’t ready for a commitment.
Jumping off my soap box now but feel free to comment…I’ll be
here to respond.
